Hey, when did we all get old and fat?

7 Jun

Pardon me, I’m having a moment!

Not too very long ago, I decided to cease my anonymous blogging in favor of a completely transparent system where everyone knew my name.

Turns out, the whole “Cheers” vibe is just not so cool. I don’t wanna go where everyone knows my name!

The downside of everyone knowing who you are is, well, that everyone knows who you are. The other downside is suddenly, crawling out from the woodwork are people you hadn’t thought about in years. The former boyfriends, the girlfriends you quit hanging out with, the boyfriends of your girlfriends that you never could stand. Yeah, they all come out and say “hi.”

And since you haven’t seen them in a long time, you think, “Holy hell! Do I look that old?!?” So you look in the mirror, you ask a few friends who you know will be honest and  you find out that no, in fact, you do not. Then another comes along and you think, “Holy hell! Did I get that fat?!?” So you look in the mirror and you ask a few friends and you find out that no, in fact, you did not.

OK, I know that sounds just evil and mean and totally… wait. Fuck that. This is the blog where I get to let all my catty, bitchy, nasty thoughts out to play. Would I ever say these things to anyone? NO! I’m not cruel! Would I ever really, seriously judge someone for such superficial reasons? Again, hell no. I am not stupid.

But let’s admit it, we’ve all had that moment.

Take Hottie #1 who, back in the day could best be described as Greek Godlike – 6’2″, trim and muscular, thick curly sandy-colored hair, icy blue eyes and chin and cheekbones that looked as if they’d been chiseled by the hands of the gods. Yes, he was that fabulous. Imagine your shock when you look at his profile and see a bad comb-over (dude, bald is sexy! Accept it!) a round face with no sign of cheekbone or chin, and a good 100 pounds over what he used to be. He’s big enough that the tall, willowy woman he married can no longer get her arms all the way around him. Add in the fact that the guy who used to hang out at techno clubs now seems to be a member of the beer-swilling, tractor-hat-wearing, country-music-listening, gun-toting, deer-hunting, git-in-the-truck-bitch, redneck club and it just makes it even better.

I’m sorry, it was a shock.

Hottie #2 was another tall specimen.  He was clean cut with just enough funk to be edgy. As a teenager, that meant he was parent-safe but still fun. He was attractive and charming and adored by most women who met him. Today, he looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter’s younger brother. A shaved head and long goatee grace a scowling face and tattoos of all varieties trace pretty much all visible skin. If you saw him on the street, your kindest thought would be “motorcycle gang member” and you’d give him a wide berth. This one also underwent a personality shift, going from a sweet, gentle kid who was a slight mama’s boy with a terrific sense of humor to a surly, gruff, staunchly conservative asshole.

Yeah, that was another shock.

Of course, every coin has a flip side.

Hottie #3, another tall, trim youth with dark hair and piercing green eyes and the personality of an artsy, troubled poet hasn’t changed much at all. Today, his hair is tinged with gray and he tends to forget to shave. His body has softened and he put on a few pounds, but carries it well. He can still light up a room with one of his rare smiles and most women still go gaga when they see his picture. And the troubled poet hasn’t changed either, meaning the women who go gaga at his looks still get very fed up, very quickly, at his morose personality.

Seriously, if you ever need motivation to take better care of yourself, stop smoking, go on that diet, start exercising, or do any other self-helpy/improvementy sort of things, there’s an easy way to get motivated.

Start looking through Facebook and find your high school class page. The former stunners who let themselves go, and the average kids who now look amazing should be enough to keep anybody’s ass on the treadmill and their hands out of the cookie jar!

And if you’re like Hottie # 3, who still looks good but needs some therapy. Well, get some therapy!


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