28 lines about 14 men…

18 Mar

twenty-eight lines about 14 men…

  1. The first time was in a treehouse with the damn dog barking down below
    I was wearing a purple dress, it got stained.
  2. The anticipation was tantalizing and delicious; the reality was not
    We were awkward and unsure, and not just in bed.
  3. A brief summer fling, the first time on the beach cliffs, sand in my hair
    He was big, it hurt, but felt good.
  4. Lying on the couch watching movies, we were dressed, he was inside me
    His mother came in, we laughed about it later.
  5. On again, off again; it was the first time a man put his mouth on me
    I liked it and wanted more.
  6. At the beach we met two guys, one a coke head, the other not into drugs
    He was into me, many, many times; he rocked my world.
  7. The roomie of an old friend, tall and hot, the sex was good
    I found his porn stash, he was embarrassed, I was turned on.
  8. The kiss happened backstage, he asked if I could keep a secret
    I could, but so could he; it was never just the two of us.
  9. His headboard was an old piano, Captain Morgan bottles lined up empty They fell and broke on the floor.
  10. Movies after dinner, his hands down my pants
    He stands and wraps me around him and walks to the bedroom.
  11. I saw him and wanted him, it took nearly a month to seduce him
    I go what I wanted, and then some; he curved the wrong way.
  12. We flirted for weeks, he didn’t let me touch him
    When I climbed on top I realized why; he was thumb sized.
  13. He had a marvelous ass, the first time I saw him naked was from behind His cock hung down, still visible between his legs.
  14. He wasn’t my usual type, short, a cowboy, he loved the country
    He knelt between my legs and made me forget my name.

the gauntlet…

18 Mar

Dear potential employer…

If I’m interviewing against candidates who are essentially shoe-ins because they come with recommendations from people within the company, how about we just don’t waste each other’s time and just skip the whole interview, huh?

We both know that I could be the perfect person for the job, the very incarnation of ideal, but you’re not going to hire me because that other guy has an “in”. There’s nothing I can do to beat that. So why am I even here? Why are you wasting my time?

build a bridge…

18 Mar

Public service announcement to everyone: please stop using your Traumatic Life Experiences (TLE) as an excuse for why you…

  • can’t hold down a job,
  • can’t have a healthy and productive discussion of relationships,
  • can’t manage to do all the little things that normal functioning people have been doing for generations,
  • Etc.

I’m not trying to be insensitive. I understand that there are those who have genuine chemical, psychological or physiological illnesses (and they can and should be treated for them). Those aren’t the folks I’m talking about.

The folks I’m talking about belittle those with real illnesses by being such whiny, annoying, obnoxious individuals that try the patience of everyone around them to the point that it’s tough to have any left for those who really are suffering.

When they blow a gasket, over react, or are criticized in any way, these folks have an almost patented response that goes something like this:

“It’s not my fault. My (insert personal relationship like parent, sibling, teacher, coach, significant other) used to do that to me all the time. They would (insert some vaguely described negative experience, preferably centered on the person’s appearance or validity of their feelings, actions, etc.), and ever since then, I just can’t take it.” The more advanced the person is at claiming the TLE excuse, the more vague the response will be.

Seriously, build a bridge. You know the drill, now do it. And if you can’t do it on your own, then get the help you need to enable you to do it. And if you can’t or won’t do that, then kindly shut the fuck up. I’ve been through enough shit in my own life that I can honestly say life is better when  you let go of the garbage from the past. I’ve seen friends and family go through enough shit that I can pretty much say if I haven’t experienced it myself, I’ve held the hand of someone who has.

Molestation – been there and done that. In multiple ways, thanks. A few highlights: A boyfriend of my mother’s slipped me the tongue when kissing me goodnight. I was 8. Another deliberately set porn out where I could see it and would jerk off anytime my mom wasn’t around. I was 9. Another decided to take things a bit farther. I lost my virginity at age 10. The guy twisted things to make me feel like I was to blame for tempting him into misbehavior.

Guess what? It hasn’t made me incapable of trusting men, and it didn’t ruin my relationship with my mother (she never knew and I never told).

What happened… or old and fat part 2

11 Mar

Facebook is really great for finding old friends. Some of them have been really cool reunions…

Back in the day, I had a lot of friends with benefits – keyword there is “friends”, and that still stands many years later when we find each other on the social networks.

I’ve no illusion about myself. I know I’m not the young, hot thing I once was. A few years and a few pounds take their toll. But, I will say, I’m still one hot momma and I turn heads on a regular enough basis that I’m comfortable saying I haven’t gone completely to seed here. I’ve also worked to improve myself – intellectually, financially, physically, spiritually, etc. I’ve worked to grow beyond what I was, because I believe that’s what life is about.

Some friends were pleasant surprises. Others were just… surprises.

  • He was my favorite, repeat FWB. We had an ongoing thing and it was good. He was tall, trim, cute, hung and good in bed. Today, he’s still tall, trim and cute and hopefully his adorable wife enjoys the rest of it. He’s successful, has adorable children, and a really adorable wife. The shocker? He’s now a rather conservative Christian.
  • He was a brief, intense relationship that ended badly – twice. Tall, trim, fucking gorgeous and fun. Today, he’s more a big guy than trim, but it’s not fat and it looks good on him. Fucking gorgeous has morphed into ruggedly handsome. He’s got a successful career, a beautiful wife, and has managed to let go of his ghosts and embrace a path that satisfies him. It’s incredibly wonderful to see.
  • He was another regular FWB, though we also dated off and on. Back then, he was in the military, cute and really, really good in bed. Though a little rough around the edges, he was fun. Apparently, the rough around the edges side won. He’s become redneck trailer trash, and it’s truly scary.
  • He was another FWB and seemed poised for some pretty awesome stuff, cute and a good lay. He came from a good family, went to the military and had plans for college. Whatever happened to him, he looks way older than he is, and somehow never went to college. Rather than improving himself, he’s also fallen into the redneck trailer trash category.
  • One of my first serious boyfriends, he was dark, edgy and different. Tall and cute in that alternative way, he was moody and prone to being weird. Today, he’s still all of those things. Not much has changed. He’s managing a decent job, and done the single parent thing successfully. The moody and weird sides have mellowed with confidence and age, and it’s a good thing.
  • He was a long term relationship that I admit I fucked up. He was in all ways a good guy, good looking, great ass, good family, hard worker and geared to do something with his life. Today, he’s… well… he’s exactly what you would expect him to grow into. He’s a little heavier, has a few lines and grey hairs, but he’s still good looking. His wife is stunning and their three kids are adorable. His career? He’s a successful business owner.

Some good, some bad… some very surprising… And what about me? Oh, I like to think I’d be described along these lines:

  • She was a tiny little thing, cute, agile and wild. She came from a poor family, but she was always trying to improve herself. Today, she’s been through some rough times. The tiny body has changed to voluptuous curves, though she’s a little heavy, she’s balanced and carries it well. She’s still cute and agile, but the wild side has been tempered just enough. She’s managed to be successful, and is still always looking to improve herself.

Git yer ass off my desk…

16 Dec
How do they get any work done?

How do they get any work done? There are acceptable levels of clutter – especially when there’s a lot of work going on… this is not in my acceptable range! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey coworker! Yeah, you! The one whose desk is right next to mine in this open office hellhole. Get your fucking ass, and your shit, off my desk.

I work next to a woman who keeps her desk in a state of, well, shall we say, “creative disarray” and therefore has no room on her desk to do things like open a package, or wrap a package, or any number of things you use an open desktop for.

No problem. She just uses mine. It’s only four feet from hers, and that end of my desk is clear and clean. What’s the problem?

So she parks her projects in process, and sometimes her ass, on the end of my desk. Without asking. On a good day, she’ll make some comment after she’s already encroached. It’s always along the lines of “Oh, sorry, you don’t mind do you…” or “I just need a desk space for a moment, sorry.”

Busy Desk

There’s a lot going on here, but it’s neat and tidy. (Photo credit: Russell Heistuman)

Unfortunately, this is not an office environment where I could say, “actually, I do mind. Please move…” Nevermind that I keep my desktop neat for a reason – I like it that way. Nevermind that clutter and mess drive me nuts. This is an open office, we’re all expected to blend in with the lowest common denominator.

Maybe I should start decorating my desk with spiky sculptures, or thumbtacks. Or a desktop trebuchet. Or a giant electrical pad to administer a jolting shock to an errant ass.

Epic Fail on Corp Meatless Monday Planning

18 Jun

Our company, like so many, has jumped on the Meatless Monday bandwagon. Wheee! We all pledge to go meat-free every Monday! Yay.

Uh-huh. No one asked me if I wanted to participate in this. Seriously. I’m not interested in going vegetarian, even for a day. My diet is already essentially pescatarian, with occasional chicken, and even less frequent pork, and rarer still is beef (as in, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had beef in the last 2 years).

So, giving up meat on Mondays should be easy, right? Yeah, fine, you’re right. I just don’t like the idea of being stuck doing it.

The company sent out a big email – “Hey, we’ll even have someone from the Aren’t We So Cool Committee select a restaurant that has vegetarian offerings and take lunch orders.”

That was a great idea! It meant I didn’t have to think about packing up a vegetarian lunch, or trying to find a healthy vegetarian option in a non-scary part of the city that was also within a reasonable distance from our office in a scary part of the city.

And it worked. For a month. As in for four Mondays.

And then came today.

“Oh, y’all didn’t pack a lunch? Oh. We’ll have to take lunch orders? Oh. So. Um… Where does everyone want to eat?”

It fell apart. Suddenly six people took four cars to go to three different places for lunch. Not quite the “healthy for us, healthy for the environment” impact our company was looking for methinks.

Hey, when did we all get old and fat?

7 Jun

Pardon me, I’m having a moment!

Not too very long ago, I decided to cease my anonymous blogging in favor of a completely transparent system where everyone knew my name.

Turns out, the whole “Cheers” vibe is just not so cool. I don’t wanna go where everyone knows my name!

The downside of everyone knowing who you are is, well, that everyone knows who you are. The other downside is suddenly, crawling out from the woodwork are people you hadn’t thought about in years. The former boyfriends, the girlfriends you quit hanging out with, the boyfriends of your girlfriends that you never could stand. Yeah, they all come out and say “hi.”

And since you haven’t seen them in a long time, you think, “Holy hell! Do I look that old?!?” So you look in the mirror, you ask a few friends who you know will be honest and  you find out that no, in fact, you do not. Then another comes along and you think, “Holy hell! Did I get that fat?!?” So you look in the mirror and you ask a few friends and you find out that no, in fact, you did not.

OK, I know that sounds just evil and mean and totally… wait. Fuck that. This is the blog where I get to let all my catty, bitchy, nasty thoughts out to play. Would I ever say these things to anyone? NO! I’m not cruel! Would I ever really, seriously judge someone for such superficial reasons? Again, hell no. I am not stupid.

But let’s admit it, we’ve all had that moment.

Take Hottie #1 who, back in the day could best be described as Greek Godlike – 6’2″, trim and muscular, thick curly sandy-colored hair, icy blue eyes and chin and cheekbones that looked as if they’d been chiseled by the hands of the gods. Yes, he was that fabulous. Imagine your shock when you look at his profile and see a bad comb-over (dude, bald is sexy! Accept it!) a round face with no sign of cheekbone or chin, and a good 100 pounds over what he used to be. He’s big enough that the tall, willowy woman he married can no longer get her arms all the way around him. Add in the fact that the guy who used to hang out at techno clubs now seems to be a member of the beer-swilling, tractor-hat-wearing, country-music-listening, gun-toting, deer-hunting, git-in-the-truck-bitch, redneck club and it just makes it even better.

I’m sorry, it was a shock.

Hottie #2 was another tall specimen.  He was clean cut with just enough funk to be edgy. As a teenager, that meant he was parent-safe but still fun. He was attractive and charming and adored by most women who met him. Today, he looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter’s younger brother. A shaved head and long goatee grace a scowling face and tattoos of all varieties trace pretty much all visible skin. If you saw him on the street, your kindest thought would be “motorcycle gang member” and you’d give him a wide berth. This one also underwent a personality shift, going from a sweet, gentle kid who was a slight mama’s boy with a terrific sense of humor to a surly, gruff, staunchly conservative asshole.

Yeah, that was another shock.

Of course, every coin has a flip side.

Hottie #3, another tall, trim youth with dark hair and piercing green eyes and the personality of an artsy, troubled poet hasn’t changed much at all. Today, his hair is tinged with gray and he tends to forget to shave. His body has softened and he put on a few pounds, but carries it well. He can still light up a room with one of his rare smiles and most women still go gaga when they see his picture. And the troubled poet hasn’t changed either, meaning the women who go gaga at his looks still get very fed up, very quickly, at his morose personality.

Seriously, if you ever need motivation to take better care of yourself, stop smoking, go on that diet, start exercising, or do any other self-helpy/improvementy sort of things, there’s an easy way to get motivated.

Start looking through Facebook and find your high school class page. The former stunners who let themselves go, and the average kids who now look amazing should be enough to keep anybody’s ass on the treadmill and their hands out of the cookie jar!

And if you’re like Hottie # 3, who still looks good but needs some therapy. Well, get some therapy!